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Young Writers Society



Love's Conquest

by Face Engine


In the days to which no memory can be traced,
In a land of which every grain is now buried under the abyss,
By the hands of the champion of humanity a kingdom was forged.
He bound his foes with the chains of justice,
So as to rehabilitate them, and shape them into beings pure.
With his golden sword of fire he pathed the road to peace,
And with his diamond shield guarded his people.

Thus the Champion-King brought prosperity to the land,
His reign was filled with the cheers of laughter and sighs of contentment,
Visions of every citizen of every town dancing together, hand in hand.
Alas, he had the flaw of prejudice towards those that were not akin to him,
And so he declared that only humans of the male sex would rule his kingdom,
For he was a man himself, thus the mightiest of humanity was a man.

None saw reason to object to the Champion-King's wishes,
For he showed wisdom in every other aspect of his rule.
But fate's servants were disappointed in the King's folly,
Thus they planted words of even greater hubris upon his tongue.
He gathered his subjects at the base of his throne, and declared,
None shall rule without the Champion's blood.

Childless, the Champion-King immediately searched for the perfect wife.
For three years he courted the noble ladies,
But he deemed none suitable for the continuation of his dynasty.
One day he sat upon his throne and contemplated,
Wondering whether his search was in vain.
It was on that very day that he saw the face of Matridecor

Such was the beauty of Matridecor that the Champion-King bowed before her,
Begging her to marry him and bear an heir to the land.
She accepted, for in truth she was but a peasant,
She had come to the city to sell the surplus produce of her parent's modest farm.
Thus Matridecor rose to the status of royalty,
And for many years the King and the Queen lived together in happiness.

But the servants of fate were still at work in the affairs of the Champion-King,
And they prevented Matridecor from producing a living son for her husband.
Six times she gave birth to a male infant, but each time the offspring died.
The Champion-King, desperate, continued in his attempt to prolong his golden age,
Until, eventually, Matridecor gave birth to a living baby.
But to the Champion-King's despair, it was a girl.

The Champion-King immediately imprisoned his wife,
Declaring that the next time she saw daylight, she would die.
He neglected the child he had attempted to create for so long,
For he despised her as a mockery of his ideals.
He brought his dagger within a hair's width of his daughter's throat,
But powers beyond his understanding forced his hand aside.

Over time the King grew to appreciate his daughter, though he was ridden with disappointment.
As he watched the execution of Matridecor, he decided on a name for the product of his cursed love,
He named her Spero, for despite the melancholy that filled his existence, he had hope for the land.
When Spero was six years of age, she asked the Champion-King who would rule after his death.
He told her that he wished she could rule for him,
But his word was his bond, so this could not be so.

Upon reaching child-bearing age, Spero was forced by her father to court the nobility,
In the hope that they might produce a worthy male heir.
She told her father that she disliked them all,
For the Champion-Kings preoccupation with the succession had led to them becoming corrupt,
And they used subtle tricks and deception for personal gain,
At the expense of all the lesser peoples of the land.

Enraged, the Champion-King chose Spero's husband for her,
He was Duke Ferreus, the greatest of the Champion-King's generals,
For six years Duke Ferreus had been at the head of a campaign against barbarians of distant lands,
And Spero was to be his prize.
Thus Spero was unwillingly thrust into the Duke's hands,
All hope seemed lost for her as her wedding drew close.

But on the third day of her engagement, the Kingdom was brought under crisis' shadow,
For Duke Ferreus had brought home from his wars a thousand prisoners,
But that night a score of the savages had disappeared.
The escapees evaded the guards throughout the night,
And Spero remained in her chambers for fear of meeting one of the dreaded barbarians.
Yet it was by her weariness that such an encounter would take place.

To Spero's surprise, the man spoke her language,
Though in a dialect so foreign that he had to repeat his broken speech to her.
He begged her to hide him, for the guards would surely kill him on sight.
Enchanted by his rustic charms so rare in the Kingdom, Spero accepted his request,
On the condition that he tell her his name.
To this he replied, "Robur".

Confident that her chamber would not be searched,
Spero allowed Robur to sleep with her that night.
As she listened to his tales of the wild lands from which he hailed,
Spero realised that she had at last found love.
But it was too late, for she was to marry Duke Ferreus,
And Robur would surely be found and executed.

Robur, too, held a great affection for Spero,
And upon hearing that Spero was to marry Duke Ferreus,
Known among his people as the Viscious King of Blades,
Robur promised to save Spero from such a fate.
Spero immediately cried with delight,
For she wished for nothing more than to escape from the clutches of the corrupt nobility.

Thus at dawn Spero led Robur, concealed in a grey cloak, to Duke Ferreus chambers.
Upon seeing the sleeping Duke, Robur gnashed his teeth,
For the memories he associated with such a vision were bitter indeed.
He lay his hands on the Duke's neck, and squeezed down with his wide palms.
Shocked at Robur's reaction, Spero attempted to save the Duke from death,
For she did not wish for lives to be lost in the name of love.

Spero's efforts weakened Robur's grip enough so that the Duke could scream of his plight,
And Robur was seized by the King's guards before he could accomplish his goal.
Locked away in the dungeons from which he had previously escaped,
Robur was sentenced to die the following dawn.
Spero's engagement to Duke Ferreus was to proceed,
They were to marry as soon as Robur's head descended to the ground.

But the Champion-King had underestimated the cunning of the savages,
And once again many among them broke free from the dungeons.
Among them was Robur, for word had spread and he had become a hero to his people.
Nevertheless, the Champion-King insisted that the marriage would take place at dawn,
Duke Ferreus laughed wickedly, though he surrounded himself with armed men.
Spero merely traversed the cold stone floor of her home in anticipation for her hero to save her.

There was no trace of Robur, and so the wedding began,
It was the grandest ceremony the Kingdom had ever seen.
Every noble and gentleman in the land presented himself and his wife,
Though even they were awed by the magnificence of the Champion-King's golden chapel.
Spero, dressed in the white dress of a bride, trembled as she walked down the aisle,
And as she arrived at the altar, she sensed nothing but darkness ahead of her.

But Spero's senses deceived her, for her dreams were to come true.
Before the royal cardinal could bind their marriage, the great doors of the chapel crashed open,
And Robur entered, bearing the weapons of his homeland,
Exotic objects which Duke Ferreus had claimed as trophies of his campaigns.
The chapel's guards raised their arms against him, but Robur stood his ground,
And cried, "Viscious King of Blades, I challenge you for the hand of Spero!"

Though he was a cruel man, Duke Ferreus was a proud man,
And he accepted the challenge for honour's sake.
They clashed swords, and though Duke Ferreus was a veteran of many wars,
He could not equal the might of his foe.
Thus, though Robur's head had been intended to fall on that dawn,
It was Duke Ferreus that was beheaded that day.

Shocked, the congregation made way for Robur as he ascended the altar,
And declared that he would be the husband of Spero.
But the Champion-King was outraged by his actions,
And he ordered the chapel guards to arrest him at once, to be tortured by his hand.
Fate proved to be on Robur's side, for it was then that his comrades arrived,
And thus began the battle of the golden chapel.

Though many of the escaped prisoners were unarmed,
They had developed expertise in their feral climate,
And thus were able to defeat the forces of the Champion-King.
The Champion-King himself surrendered,
For though he was once strong, now he was enfeebled with old age.
He was brought before Robur and Spero, his fate dependent on their mercy.

With his life at risk, the Champion-King did not hesitate to meet Robur's demands.
He agreed to the marriage of Spero to Robur,
And retired, giving Robur temporary control over the Kingdom,
Until Spero could produce a suitable heir.
But as soon as the former Champion-King was let free,
He attempted to hold on to whatever dignity he had left, and threw himself into the ocean to die.

Robur and Spero's marriage brought peace not only to the Kingdom,
But also to the tribes of Robur's birth,
For his people hailed him both as a hero and the heir to their aging kings,
Thus the lands were united under an empire that was to be ruled by Robur.
Spero produced many heirs, all of whom became great rulers in later years.
Thus Robur was crowned Champion-King of all the lands, herald of the new age.


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266 Reviews


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Mon Mar 30, 2009 6:22 pm
backgroundbob wrote a review...



Whew, that's a piece and a half. You don't see a lot of epic poems around, I'm impressed to find people still attempting them.

You have a couple of problems. Firstly, I'm trying to figure out exactly what the point of this poem is. I mean, I've read through it, I understand progression of the story - is there anything else? Because while narrative is definitely a key to the epic poem, there's got to be more than that, or all you've got is a dolled-up fairytale. Sure, it's about the triumph of love, and the downfall of pride, etc., etc., but these are pretty timeworn messages, and unless you've got something a little more indepth for us, I think you're going to struggle to hold people's attention for the span of the poem. After all, people know what's going to happen - there'll be a fight for the maiden and the noble savage will win out over the evil corrupt official. Dig deeper for us - find a more complex, more revolutionary message.

Secondly, I have to question your character development somewhat. You set up this wonderful Champion-King, but then without warning his character declines into tyranny and madness: sure, you can do this, but if you're not explaining to us some of the reasons, some of the causes for his decline it just seems like a bizarre plot twist with no basis in the narrative.
Or the Matridecor. Her character appears and disappears in a matter of lines. She's pretty important in the grand scheme of things, and yet she pops in and is executed in less time than it takes to introduce the King! If you're not going to develop her - or indeed let her live - I wouldn't waste time and emotional investment with the King's frantic search for her, or her many miscarriages, etc. etc. Give her a proper role or leave her as a truly bit part with two lines, don't hang around halfway.
Then there's the mysterious 'servants of fate' - who are they? There's no proper noun [they're not 'The Servants of Fate'] so we're left unsure as to whether they are actual beings, strange ethereal forces, just a metaphor for something else altogether - we just don't know. They remind me oddly of the Satan character in the Biblical book of Job: they pop in for the first couple of chapters, move the plot along and then just as suddenly they disappear with no explanation. It's common to have some sort of deus ex machina going on in a epic poem [which this would seem to fulfill - they ensure no male issue, they even directly intervene to stop the King killing his daughter] but you don't have a solid God figure anywhere, you just have this vague idea of 'fate' and its 'servants'. It's something else you've got to decide, solidify their character and decide exactly what role they'll play.

Finally, some technical issues. I like your style, actually, I think you've got some good ideas, and you remain fairly consistant. Your main problem is that there are a lot of places where you're trying to hard. You switch words out of their normal position in the sentence in an effort to sound more authentic, perhaps more 'old-style.' It's often subconscious, sometimes you don't even realise you're doing it, but the end result is just painful and stilted: it just doesn't sound real, it's not your voice. Epic is good, but you can't try and write in an epic language style when all you know is translations of old english epics, it just won't work.

You've had a really good go at this, and overall the effect is positive - it shows a good deal of skill and a very large deal of commitment to finish a piece like this. You just need to decide in a bit more depth what your core message is going to be, and adjust some of your character portrayal and technical issues to correspond to this. Good luck!





Once you have people's attention, you have a greater responsibility to tell them something of value.
— Tobias Forge (Ghost B.C.)